Discipline Guilt

Hi friends,

I didn’t want to share this because I thought to myself, “what value is this providing?” because a question like that is at the top of the influencer/grow your business advice list.

First of all, who the heck cares. And second, I realized that even though I may not be giving advice or “providing” results and inspiration, by sharing my experience, I may be providing comfort to other moms or parents.

I want to go back to old school blogging where Hilary Duff is sitting on her window sill documenting her day and how she has moved, yet again, to a new city ~ pls tell me you know what movie I’m referencing.

{the perfect man, cough cough}

So here I am, typing as if this is a journal entry while also hoping I can help other parent feel seen and less alone.

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So tonight I had to scold + correct Noah because he threw his dinner plate on the floor, twice. He didn’t do it out of anger or spite, he was just done eating and didn’t need his plate anymore.

Obviously this isn’t what we do when we’re done with our meal, so I had to teach him that.

I knelt to his level and pointed to his plate and food on the ground and said, “no no”.

I told him that plates stay on the table, not the ground. That when we’re done with our meal, we take our plates to the sink.

I proceeded to take my empty plate to the sink to show him what’s expected.

I feel like I did almost everything I was supposed do. But I know in my heart that I spoke with more annoyance than I should have and even after I got him cleaned up I was still irritated.

That irritation {although I didn’t show it} created such great guilt in my heart.

We proceeded to brush his teeth, put his toys away together, change his diaper and put him into his pajamas.

In his dark room with his sound machine + AC on, I always hold him upright for a minute before cradling him like a baby while he lists off who and what he wants to say goodnight to that night before I lay him down. It’s part of our nighttime routine. It’s v cute.

But I felt it in my heart that I needed to apologize. So I did. I told him that mama is sorry for how I spoke to him. I let him know that although we do not throw our plates or food, that mom could’ve spoken a bit nicer. That I should have taken a moment to process my big feelings before speaking.

As much as I’m parenting my son, I’m also parenting myself. I didn’t get apologies growing up. I’m not even sure my parents’ generation {especially being Japanese} thought that apologizing to your children was even a thing you could do.

Anyways, I apologized to Noah and I cried.

I cried because I felt bad. I cried because I don’t want this one moment of irritation to be what my son remembers of his childhood {although I know that sounds really dramatic}.

I don’t want “one moment” to become two moments and three moments and then his entire childhood.

I don’t think that I scold him for things that don’t deserve scoldings and I never yell at him. So I feel like I should be okay, but it could be a mix of my anxiety with my need of giving my child a happy, healthy, and safe home environment.

When I shared with my husband what had happened earlier that evening, he reminded me that giving our children that kind of environment comes with setting boundaries, and that’s what I did. ugh. I love that man.

Anyways, I just wanted to share my thoughts with you just in case there are any other parents out there who also get these horrible fits of guilt for being irritated at your children or having to {albeit, gently} scold them.

I hope and pray my children grow up and are so so confident in the abundance of love in and around their home. I want my children to know they’re safe ~ mentally, physically and emotionally ~ in our home. I need this so badly that I start to question all of my actions as a mother {hello anxiety}, which is my responsibility to figure out.

If you can relate, I hope you learn to love on + heal your inner child so we can give our best to parenting our little babes ~ even when it means that we have to teach hard lessons.

You’re not alone. I’m here for you. We got this.

Sending you all the love + light xx

Laurena